Confessions
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008 (etc with 1 Comment)
Lately I’ve found myself in conversations discussing the different challenges in courting. It’s so easy to just get caught up in everything and hard to remember that God is in control completely. Recently I’ve really been struggling with trust. And I guess faith too. Of all the spiritual struggles I’ve faced, trust is the one I keep coming back at. I realize it’s silly to be struggling with it so much - I mean, it’s God, why can’t we trust Him? He’s got a flawless track record. However over the last few days I’ve been driving myself mad watching my mom go insane over budgets and groceries and trips and whatnot. So much, that I got to thinking about all the “what-if’s” of……well…….”forever”. And to be honest it started stressing me out - how on earth am I going to balance my own budget? what if I totally screw it up? darn, what if I just think I can run a house, but really I can’t? Am I going to be able to make sure there’s a buffer and get the extra things that you’d need every so often? Or will that screw everything up?
It doesn’t help, that my mind runs in logistical circles, and being a debater on top of it, I tend to think about things until I have a solution for every possible scenario or counter attack. I like having plan A, but knowing there’s a B and C and maybe D to back it up. Well, maybe not quite that excessive, A,B, and maybe C. It got to the point where I really wasn’t sure what to do. Well, I could save my own money, and just put some of the stuff in my hope-chest already…I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night because I’d realize things I’d forgotten to think about, or something to add to a list. It’s starting to scare me to be quite honest, falling into the same trap I’ve seen my mom fall into time after time. But then while we were doing devotions tonight, I realized, my real problem was, I was looking at the numbers and leaving God out of the equation. Which is really interesting, because God is really the only part of the equation that matters in the first place. I know that He will provide for whatever we need, and even bless us. So really, I should use a budget as more of a guideline rather than sacred law as is tendency here, and I shouldn’t rule out things just because they look a little……..expensive. God can and will provide, even though I sometimes have a hard time continuing to recognize that.
Anyway, all goes to say, - specifically for the people I’ve been talking to- trusting God completely and staying focused is one of the things I struggle with most - it’s hard, but when I finally just give it all up, His peace and grace are amazing.